Loving Self Awareness…

On the road we called life we change and shift at points in our lives, some more memorable than others.

Those self reflective “ah ha!” moments … “Now I get it!” the goosebumps.

These are my favorite moments, I love to learn.

What I have learnt about self awareness is the key to love and accept the old parts of self or myself.

When I make the decisions to stop something I know is keeping me down or in a low vibration, it takes honest, focus, practice and trust that I can let it go.

If I am not happy with a type of habit, I will become aware, I have the choice to take a step in the direction of it or the direction away from it.

Neither are good or bad to me as I know later on in life ( if it is meant to be let go) I will have the courage to do so, and if not it will pop up again each time louder and more in my face so to speak.

I decided to quit drinking last summer, I just felt it was keeping my vibration in a lower state , I felt so tired and drained even after one glass of wine. 

I thought OK, so stop and have a year off, but in these last ten months I had to detox all the emotions attached to why I drank in the first place? Which I had to learn were not bad or good but more about…

“Is this serving me”? Do I want the repercussions”? From just one glass of wine I felt sick, tired and not connected.

I used to drink as a form of relief or to escape my gifted sensitive feelings, because I love to dance and move my body. Stopping drinking was the easy part , the detox that followed …was not expected. 

The reasons why I drank in social settings was something that caused me the day after serve anxiety and later waves of depression but I just thought this is part of it “normal”, I know it is, alcohol is a depressant for many people.

I have heard many say drinking keeps your vibration low and I had to detox for a while when become attuned in Reiki so I was aware and I found it easy to let go of for a month.

I did not comprehend the amount emotions that came to surface and be released and need to be felt , until I quit.

As I allowed these emotions to surface and parts of my power to return to me, I just decided drinking is not for me, no judgement either, just it´s time to let it go.

Thank you for serving me and all the fun times but I don´t think I want that feeling anymore or again.

I asked myself the simple question ” why”? and the answer was ” I do not want to, I didn’t come here to do things I no longer enjoy. Damn!

I had come to a deep awareness that, what I was suppressing is my abilities to feel in such a deep and profound way around others. I had not met many people who had felt like this… yet. 

I even tried not drinking and going back to just being in the same environment a few times, but it did not work. I felt equally as tired & drained. 

These thoughts & feelings are not to shame or hold guilt on my old self, just to witness her and accept that she has changed, with loving awareness that I may change a lot through life and now I am aware.

Most importantly I have the courage to know what is serving me and to let go of what is not.

To lovingly let it go with gratitude & a sense of peace, I had to grieve that part of me and that was unexpected too.

This is not to say that drinking is bad as I enjoyed it and had a blast, I am sharing this in the hope to remind myself that feeling is more valuable to me than suppressing.

It was one of the gifts, I was not judging myself when I was drinking , I was very present with it, free and not worried, but I started to feel lost when I didn’t want to anymore, I no longer wanted to be out in the crowds.

Instead I wanted to return back to the forest and be lost in the wilderness of nature & my own soul.

I have danced myself across many dance floors, I have left my footprints there and maybe the loving awareness that when the times ready, to leave and go home.

Is that what awakening is? A coming home to who you are.

Accepting it all along the way, with a loving awareness.

These changes have taken places in many areas of my life, not just drinking.

Maybe one day I like apples and the next I won’t … but I can choose to lovingly accept it or not.

It will make the journey interesting whatever I choose. We are always changing, shifting and evolving, conscious or not.

I have no plans or judgment in the right way to go, only the compass of my deep intuition guiding me across this earth & I am grateful, grateful for it all.

I felt my inner guidance system say ” I just wanna treat you better” 🙂

Thanks for reading.

Mindful Health…

Our brains to me are a replica of space, so much unknown yet so much potential, mystery and unique darkness with flashes of light. I personally have designed my own planets, blackholes & milky ways over the years with places of pure paradise to extreme self destruction, maybe one day we can physically go there on Virgin Galatic?

If we can train our minds, how will our life change?

Thinking can be the blue prints for our actions, if we are thinking everything is shit and the grass is greener…. Then it ultimately it will be, so I am told.

The mind is complex and powerful , we don’t even understand it, but isn’t that what is so beautiful about it?

We are creatures of control, some of us find it hard to control our minds… is this the base of our choices , decisions and patterns we make through life?

The thought patterns we create or created will follow us through life and controlling the mind is like noticing when we are writing something wrong and trying to erase it, delete and replace it with something new or improved. 

It’s much easier with physical things, than thoughts…why? Maybe because we cant see them…maybe we need visuals in this 3rd dimensional world to help us see when we are thinking toxic thoughts?

Image if you could see your thoughts on a screen… then we would know how toxic or loving our thoughts are.

Maybe Siri can step in and talk us through it. “Siri, how do I manage my thoughts on COVID19″…?

We think so many thoughts a day, with technology and constant media distractions we are over run with thoughts that then become feelings. If we are feeding our brains negative or egotistic thoughts? Then too much of it will manifest into our feelings and then our actions?

Clean the feed… I mean social media feed, its funny its called that because it´s food… I mean feed, it is food for our brains daily, if we don’t like control or being controlled maybe we should all clean our feed? Are we feeding our brains healthy content about helping each other and humanity saving choices? 

We can choose to feed our brains with healthier content, we have this choice to follow or unfollow.

We also have a choice over how much time or amount we want to feed our brains.

The biggest excuse is “ I don’t have time”

If I have time to stare at a feed, I have time to manage it better.

Learning mindfulness is a way to notice our thoughts and be in the present moment with everything, instead of rushing about multi-tasking and then I drop my phone in the toilet. Am I the only one?

I am becoming aware we are all living inside our own dream worlds, how we see things are different from one person to every other person even the same object, colour … anything and everything is unique to ones eye and perspective.

This blog will stand out in one area to one and not to another… so we will never understand everything a person does, speaks and lives and I don’t think its meant to be, but hey thats just my view.

Also meditation helps or simple deep breathes daily, if I put only 10 mins a day aside to just let my mind be, maybe I can change my world and stop over thinking, over analysing, judging myself.. maybe healing for my brain?

Do our brains even need healing or do they need charging?

There is an amazing app called “insight timer” I recommend this app, it has transformed my relationship with meditation and no I do not work for them, but yes its free.

If I want to change my life, I have the choice to make changes, sounds simple and it has been preached for hundreds of years. But its work, not that job we go to that pays our bills and rent, but real inside work, self rewarding work.

It is interesting to me that I was happy to go work for someone else and get paid, but working for myself is always put second or excuses are made, or is that just me?

Some people do work for themselves, working on our mental health though is something we could all choose to take time for? Lunch break, plus 10 mins for meditation, paid! oh wow imagine if that came true.

We have to pay bills and pay for things if you live on the planet E,  we have to make time for ourselves and our brains and wake up to the fact that only we hold the remote control to our lives, things will happen around us but how we respond plays a crucial part in healing and even personal growth. 

What is inside, our inside universe?

What have we created in these brains of ours, would we wanna go there for a holiday or party or even to observe?

The mind is so powerful , it can make us or break us? Can I 100% control my mind? 

The mind is like a labyrinth with secret passages, hidden door ways, black holes with intergalactic spaceships of endorphins floating around looking for somewhere cool to land. 

What happens when we take drugs, what does our mind even look like is there a shiny disco ball in the centre? What do other peoples look like?

Who’s brain would you wanna peek inside?

A musical genius like Freddie mercury or maybe simply your ex lover to see if they think of you?

Maybe one day we won’t talk, we will just communicate through thought.

“Did you not get my thought”?

I sent it 10 mins ago, its probably still downloading. My brain WiFi isn’t working today.

Maybe its infinite power that could heal someone or even charge an iPhone…just from thinking thoughts…but repeated thoughts over and over … it must create some energy? some friction? some tension?

Just with the power of thought we can send msgs, send pain, love to someone, most importantly to ourselves.

Heal our minds or get lost in the space of them, lost floating out into space.

Our brains to me are a replica of space, so much unknown yet so much potential, mystery and unique darkness with flashes of light.

I personally have designed my own planets and blackholes and Milky ways over the years with places of pure paradise to extreme self destruction, maybe one day we can physically go there on Virgin Galatic?

Mind travel, does it exist? Can we shift to other dimensions? Do we believe in it enough for it to be possible? Where has our minds been, where can they go? I am sure we can all think of a persons mind we would dare or even dream to see inside.

What worlds, universes and planets have they created and does it reflect in their outer world? The mind and my thoughts I believe are infinite, like my soul and this is a gift because there is no end. 

I had so many thoughts, I suffered with migraines, the stress and focus I put on my thoughts led me to me create so much distraction and disconnection from my world and even my body.

I have always been like this, analysing, finding solutions, thinking, an over active mind, deep profound thoughts, adaptable changing views, ideas and extreme downloads of information.

I now realise this is a great gift… I must use it wisely and I want too.

Even death wont stop me thinking, my brain or soul will carry on, how do I know this? I have told my brain this ,over and over and chosen to believe it, down to my fears, belief system and that is infinite. I guess when I die I may find out if it was worth believing. 

What aliens are lurking in my space, what world have I created to think from?

Who’s driving the ship?  Who knows? I don’t, but I do know this … Our minds are the most powerful when we believe in them.

Maybe we can choose what is real to our minds, what if our thoughts are right or wrong we choose… we decide… 

Thanks for reading.

Why heal? Why wake up…?

“The world is waking up” I hear this a lot on spiritual pages, some of us are realising we are the masters and creators of our lives, I am learning this daily and starting to grasp the idea… are you?

I am waking up to my truth, that I am responsible for everything, how I think, feel, who I am friends with, who I work for … why do some of us feel like we don’t have a choice?

There might be a huge influence coming from our culture, society and everything thing around us. That all seeing eye.

I felt I was drowning in moments, I had lost who I was… I wasn’t healing … I was dying and my body was in death cycle, so I made a choice, wake up or let them, it or myself kill me.

I could blame the media, culture, country, abuser or world … or I can remember I have freewill and now I´m waking up to the fact that 70% of the stuff I was told as a child was a fear based illusions.

Maybe the influencers have a plan for us and they can only come from a place of negativity, I am lucky to be blessed to have this awareness but how do we share it?

We eat, wash and live in chemicals, everything we use is covered in chemicals, its in our food, clothes and shampoo. It leaks out into our home, planet earth.

How is that allowed? How is it not illegal? 

Mother Nature has a plan I am sure, she is her own energy source and when she’s had enough she let´s us know, but what kind of message are we sending her? You are beautiful you give us so much joy… so let´s destroy her!!! They did the same to Jesus… why is it that we destroy the things that bring us the most joy? Or the most beautiful souls, instead of cherishing them?

I realise now that humanity is no different , how we treat the earth says a lot about how we treat each other. Not all of us. Obviously there are angels on earth too. 

Darkness and Light, it all exists its all inside us, we get to choose. Freewill is our birthright, but we have to see what is not serving us to know what is.

I started to think are we made up of levels ?… physical, emotional, mental and spiritual.

Life is a game it’s our own video game, we either level up, fail or try again, we have player one or two but we can only control one, our controller.

We hold the key to unlock our greatness, we might have to go on an epic journey or we might already be on one, stuck to a planet by something called gravity and spinning around a dark universe with suns and moons shining on us, with a mobile phone guiding us, emotionally supporting us and being our entertainment.

“Put the the phone down” I remind myself and connect to the people, animals and nature.

To start to heal I had to start breaking down the pieces I had to start to go into each level. Kind of like a video game and complete each level, and if I failed, I’d try again, but with a cat who gets told daily “ Thank you for putting up with me and my crying”.

Being a kid from the 90s videos games were a thing, playing mortal combat for hours on end with the boys across the street really was a great escapism in my childhood.

We are all here playing a level in our lives, completing the lessons and moving onto the next. Or failing and have to start the level again but with new found experience.

I felt I had to do something about my life as it was getting tedious living a life of sadness and struggle and to be honest boring the hell out of me, why were other people managing and I wasn’t? Or were they? After a bit of shaky few moments in life I have started to break it down and put the pieces back together and start to meet myself.

Life is beautiful….why was I struggling to see it. Why couldn’t I get a grip on my external world or understand it, I didn’t even realise how broken my internal world was … and this is why I chose to start my quest of “healing” “ self development or whatever fancy term fits.

I once wrote this quote “ Life is about balance, finding it is the journey”  as a child I loved creative writing and my dark sense humour has not yet failed me, only now at 32 years old I understand what message I was trying to tell myself.

I realised I had to become my own hero, I have to set myself free from my own pain, all outside of me was uncontrollable but the little girl inside of me needed saving”.

Why? we are the only ones who can. We can set ourselves free from our own pain, misery, unhappiness … No one is coming to save us, but for me doing it myself is the best feeling in the world, be your own hero? why not?

I wanted to break down some ways of understanding the journey I am on that have helped me on the road to healing, I have understood that healing is unique to each person and should be treated with respect and validation.

I love to hear what helps others and sharing our experiences can be life saving, maybe we might help each other by just sharing?

Balance, what does the word even mean in my life? I realise being a libra (the scales), I strive for it , maybe horoscopes are a load of sugar, but I know I strive for it because I have felt it in my whole existence from my skin, bones even down to the core of my soul. That inner voice who stops you from walking down that dark street at 3am because something doesn’t quite feel right.

For years, scientists, gurus and many spiritual folk have spoke about practice….what we practice, we be come better at. What we practice shapes our skills and beliefs in our lives.

I started to realised my time of birth, place and personality traits and my past was trying to telling me that for someone who represents balance, I wasn’t finding it.

I was drowning to afraid to ask for help and too afraid to admit it to myself, my wounds go deep and what was I going to do, give up?

So why start to heal ? Why not just fall down into the darkness? Its so exhausting carrying around all that emotional, mental and physical baggage around, my trauma is heavy and it weighs a lot, I was like a human hurricane but with baggage.

“I thought something is out of balance… me.”

I think this whole life of our journey will be tipping from side to side, I was worried about that but I wanted to find out why I had arrived to a point of emptiness.

Either, I do something or negative patterns go on repeat like a Taylor swift song in my head.

I unconsciously ignored the fact I needed to heal for years, I thought just thinking positive and hoping it will go away on its own was the answer, for my inner child it felt like screaming and no one could hear me by my mid twenties.

When my relationship with myself was so murky and the coping mechanisms were not working anymore, I felt it was time to try anything or leave this place, I decided to stick it out.

If we are more balanced on the inside, maybe I will be able to handle or understand the external (or in my words) the stuff happening arounds us.

We cannot change other people or control them, but we can learn to control ourselves and what we want to do to live a happier life? With our inner voice to guide us.

So, let me tell you a bit about me … and why I have been on this quest to find healing.

I started this life in a violent environment at times unbearable to be a part of, themes of dark narcissism, powerlessness, blame games, poverty and that was just the atmosphere I felt from my cot.

 I was born into a cold, wet ,damp, (we had layers of mould growing the walls of the house in England) no heating, depressed & haunting household.

It was not all doom and gloom, there was also great music playing, Annie Lennox, Phil Collins and even Native American pan pipes. Hip hop, Nirvana and lace curtains blowing in the breeze from our hot (yes I said hot) English summers.

I ran free outside in the woods, jumping in streams, climbing trees… lost in the wilderness, it was the best escapism. Thank you Mother Nature.

I was an observer, I always have been, last to arrive and first to notice. 

Fear already knows me, we go way back but I grew up in it, I studied it, I learnt how to live in it. I love learning but now I learn about self love and not self destruction.

I have experienced many types of abuse & trauma, mostly at a young age, it was only when I got older I realised the effect it had on me, my way of coping was shutting it out, internalising it pushing it so far down maybe just maybe it will dissolve? 

Ignorance is bliss after all, sadly it doesn’t mean it goes away it stayed with me and I was not aware that the mirrors of the past were just getting bigger and the waves of sadness were just getting bigger, with angry surfers, surfing the waves of anger above it.

Self abandonment had become my way of living.

Heal yourself from all that you have witnessed & experienced, I told myself this in 2016 and maybe you can help guide to heal another to their own healing. But maybe write it down as you go. 

So I did 🙂

That is my positive perspective in life, we have all suffered, we are not alone even in that, even in the darkness, others are blindly walking around searching for the light.

We are never alone, we are always connected, and connection will help us and this is something I was not trained in as a child.

Later on in my twenties I became very sick, this for me was my final wake up call, I had been diagnosed with an aggressive muscle disease and at one point my organs were failing. I think after years of trying to forget the past I realised it was eating me up, killing me slowly and painfully… It was live or die at 28? I wasn’t ready to go! I have so much to do … books to write, music to hear, food to try! 

I was emotionally, mentally and spiritually drained.

I was dying… from sadness, from trying to hold it all together like an over packed suitcase.

This blog is my perspective, my words, my thoughts, I wanted to write down what helped me and is helping me today.

I have started to heal myself and educated myself on everything from energy healing, nutrition, Tibetan Reiki, numerology, astrology, types of mental disorders, shadow work, mindfulness, healing meditations, many weirdly wonderful things…

We all have love for ourselves and that is what can save us, it is not selfish.

Self love is our medicine.

How cool is it to be our own heroes? Have that badass reflection looking back like, I got you!

I was carrying it all, how strong I must be really? I was carrying other peoples pain too, I wanted to save and protect people from harm but I learnt the hard way, it is not for me to carry or control.

“Set yourself free, from your own pain”. I would & still tell myself,

Whatever happens in life… we learn… earth school can be a wild, thrilling, ferocious yet tender ride to go on.

I am here to learn and pass through, maybe stopping to take a breath and see how lucky I really am, count my blessings for it all… because without my pain, I wouldn’t understand love.

I wouldn’t have found my way back to writing, back to myself and who I came here to be.

Time doesn’t wait for anyone, everyday is new day to start creating the life I want and dreams do come true, sometimes we forget we are already living them.

I feel free to speak my truth, to finally scream into the void, to let go and to just be.

So, there it is and here I am being vulnerable and opening myself up to all the souls like me who never lost the way, we just got distracted with our own fears, sadness and lack of love for ourselves.

We are all story tellers, if you wanna share your story then get in touch, Id love to hear what sparked your awakening.

Thank you, for reading, thank you for being here with me in this moment, my heart is healing, my body is healing, my power is returning back to me and my confidence is growing… I hope yours is too.

Love, light & so many blessing to you today.

thoughts & feelings on “being spiritual”…

Life is spiritual for me, for I am a spirit living in a meat sack and moving around on a planet that is somehow floating in a dark space also surrounded by stars made of same stuff we are made up of, it blows my mind.

I think the blueprints to our life is in the spiritual level, maybe in ten years I will have a different view on this aspect of myself, but life in general if we look at the way we connect deeply, I have found its through our pain or joy as humans.

Each human has their own story to tell

Everyone we meet has something to teach us or us to teach them as we are all living in our own worlds and realities but we share the same planet. 

My soul gets to shine through more when I am open to people, situations and general life experiences like the washing the dishes. I try and connect to my heart space while doing our human routines. I try to absorb the moment and be present, like I keep saying to myself its practice but the feeling that washes over be when I am stroking my cat, giving someone a hug, watching the birds in the sky in that feeling of connection I feel so alive and on other days I do not understand this world, but less so these days.

I like & dislike, I am human but so much more

I hold information, I am remembering from other life times. I hold the secrets to the universe and the map to my world. I am made of the stars, I need water, food, shelter and sunlight like the plants and animals here on earth. 

I love to feel connected to nature as I get downloads of information and it opens my eyes, calms me down and massages my heart space. I just have to listen and be in the stillness for a few minutes.

I dislike the destruction of the environment, burning forests and shorelines of micro-plastic, but I am learning to understand it is not all down to me to fix it. After all I am only human and there are others like me who share this perspective, together we are telling the universe what we want and this is shaping it.

The earth is purging, she is shifting and so are we.

No matter if you think you are spiritual or not, we are all part of this shift and change, like we always have been.

I think being on my spirit level is enjoying the power and beauty that I hold inside me and letting it pore out into the world in anyway way I choose to express it, let it reflect onto my reality of my ideal world in hoping the universe will create it.

Are we not all doing this? conscious or not… I think we are.

Am I creating a world inside a world and witnessing others at the same time? The questions and answers are infinite. 

The spirit in me like all other levels, aspects or whatever label I find to describe it are infinite, forever learning, never bored… well sometimes maybe bored of learning so go take a break and be human… for how long , we decide.

The joy of being awakened to this part of me as helped me understand myself but also embrace being a human in all our weird and wonderfulness. If we can learn to appreciate the human and cosmic self, then for me it makes life make sense for a while and then I am back to asking questions, liking, disliking or just being.

My sense of humour, dark & light is leading me to see how odd and yet how beautiful us humans are. It does make me laugh and other times cry. The polarity of the universe it that in itself and all the stuff in between. 

I made up of so many things, a spirit, a inner child, a teenager, a adult, a woman, different energies of masculine and feminine. I am made up of all emotions, dreams, realities, perspectives, experiences ,chemicals , minerals, vitamins, water … I could go on but you catch my drift… Did I come here to experience them all and let go when needed so they can be transmuted, I think so…. have you?

Healing has felt at times like tingles up and down my whole body, pain being lifted, feeling lighter, less in my head & more in my heart space.

Tapping into this label of “being spiritual” has changed my life, to find out the truth of who I am and not what I have been told, is truly … powerful.

thoughts & feelings on self love…

Unconditional Self love.To Love thy self, is not selfish. For to love myself, is to love another.”

Learning about self abandonment (which is the opposite to self love) has been a big part of my healing.
We can heal, we will heal and we are healing.

We are infinite beings floating around day to day bringing joy to people, sometimes unaware of how glowing we are, how much of a glow getter we truly are and enjoy being it.

To accept my true glow is a challenge I have noticed, sometimes our light is so bright it hurts others, but not in the way we think, its actually showing them where they are not holding light for themselves , but they have to to be open to accepting this type of love and so have I.

When we love ourselves we go beyond fear, we travel to the higher realms inside of us and gosh don’t we feel lighter? When we spread our joy and float up to cloud 11 or 9 we can take in the clean air of compassion, love and joy.

The challenge, oh yes there is always a challenge everything worth having has a lesson and a test and then a reward. Sometimes we just want the reward but we gotta earn our wings to fly, we might have to slay the fear dragon and then we can climb the stairs to the top of the tower for the almighty views.

Can we climb the mountain of life and do it in a way with courage & grace when falling into those dark caves? As I am becoming enlightened, I realise that those caves are a blessing or a lesson.

We have to go through some dark caves to appreciate the light, our light. This dark universe around us will stay dark theres no changing that, but how bright we shine our light? Well thats where we have total control, in the moment it might feel like all was at a loss, but then you dig a little deeper and find the light.

Self love is light, making time for ourselves without judgement, shame or guilt.

What can we do today for ourselves from a space of unconditional love?

If we can make time for others, for our work, family and friends, we can make time for ourselves and pour from a full cup?

Making time for ourselves is not selfish, its survival, it is medicine, it is crucial… like breathing. In fact are we breathing deep enough? how about we take a nice long deep breath in for and count to 5 and slowly out … do we feel that? Calmness, the stillness in the moment can be so healing.

What can we do today to create time for us and our own healing?

We might go for walk, listen to music, sing loudly along to our happy song playlist (sorry neighbours) dance to our favourite song in the mirror, lie on our bed and just listen to the sound of our breathing, read a quote and find a deeper meaning, go swimming in the ocean, travel somewhere new, learn something new, eat at a restaurant alone with and just watch people (after COVID19) … the possibilities are endless, make time, create time…Choose.

“In our own stillness, we might just find the movement to be ourselves”.

Embracing being alone for a moment each day can be truly satisfying and healing, we are so many on this planet, almost 8 billion people, thats hectic, chaotic … A moment to centre ourselves because we are so uniquely original and connect to who we are can bring that reality into a state of peace, a state of knowing and maybe even belonging. Whatever we love to do, we can do it each day for as long as we can… we can make time or make an excuse, the choice is always is ours.

True unconditional love for ourselves might even bring the awareness to accept and understand others and their needs for the same, connecting to ourselves daily maybe even bring us a better awareness in how to connect to others in all forms, in all places and walks of life.

Love is energy, vibrating at the frequency each day for a time period we can choose, I need to let go of whats gone and be ready for what is now and look forward with a smile to what is coming.

“The book of the past will always be there to read & learn from”.

If I want to ascend to a state of unconditional love I have to create it inside myself, everything I need is all ready planted inside of me, it is there in the darkness or maybe behind a locked door but I have the key, regardless it is there waiting to be discovered and shared, some days I might find it, others I might not. But it exists inside of us, it is infinite and forever flowing. We can choose to tap into it, open it up and play with it, we have been given freewill to choose it or not too.